Oh, anorexic mirror. Hello. How’ve you been? I didn’t miss you even a little.
I had been having a really good few weeks with the bod. Looking at myself in the mirror, thinking I looked pretty sexxy. Liking the naked. Then life got stressful. My portions got a little off-kilter. I got out of touch with my fellow recovering food addicts. This morning, I looked in the mirror before I got in the shower. Oof. I had forgotten how physical the anorexic mirror is. By which I mean, I didn’t “feel” fat. I LOOKED, to myself, as if I’d gained 20 pounds around my stomach and butt and thighs in the past few days. I haven’t. I mean, I didn’t get on the scale, because that way lies doom but I’m pretty sure, even if I gained 5 pounds I didn’t gain 20. The mirror is lying, but it’s lying SO EFFECTIVELY. My eyes are tricking me, like a mirage. I blew out my hair, it looked frizzy. I put on my make-up, I looked puffy. I pulled on my favorite dress, it made me look ill-formed and pregnant (I’m not). My calves look pale and lumpy. My arms look fat. It’s never-ending. I know it’s lying, and it doesn’t change what I see when I look in the mirror.
What’s the solution?
1) Eat healthy today. Don’t give it power.
2) Talk about it. I’m as sick as my secrets.
3) Reach out to loves ones who see me with different eyes
4) Get out of my head.
You will not win, anorexic mirror. Go back into hiding. Plan your little deadly plans. I will be here waiting. I will have bigger ammo. I will have LOVE.
Not yours anymore,
-C